The year is 2026, and approximately 2 billion people regularly access internet pornography (worldmetrics).
This article in the Guardian from the start of the year caught my eye: "Therapists who work with addiction report rise in out-of-control porn use by men"
What is the negative impact?
I believe that the biggest problem with using porn is how it affects us - the user - but not many people want to talk about that. Because it’s uncomfortable.
Porn use is (usually) private, secret, and yet thoroughly accepted by many areas of mainstream media. It is so well-accepted that, when i wanted to stop (several years ago) and found doing so extremely difficult, I was baffled as to why there was so little support available…
I live in Bristol in the South West of England, a city renowned for its rebellious, forward thinking and open-minded vibe. Yet there wasn’t even an ‘internet addiction’ support group I could visit. I eventually kicked the habit through a lot of soul-searching, personal development work and groups involved in ‘mens work’ (more on that below).
Porn and porn culture seems to be considered acceptable and/or 'cool' by mainstream culture, whereas the use of porn seems to be 'in shadow': it is often solitary, secretive, and shameful. People tend to not talk about it, and men in particular seem to want to avoid talking about it, or if they do it tends (in my experience) to be about celebrating/bragging about what they've watched, as opposed to engaging with what's going on with their desire to use it, especially any painful emotions they may be covering up through using it.
Obviously, uncovering emotional pain is something people tend to not want to do - it is painful - I certainly found it painful when i was forced to face what i was avoiding when using porn, however, after doing so, i felt, lighter, and freer, and was grateful to have quit..
I’ll give a bit more context to how I got here, which will then lead into what I believe now, and why Getting Unhooked exists.
My experience with porn seems unexceptional. I started with static images in magazines in the 1990’s (i am in my mid-forties now) - but my use was never extreme prior to the advent of high speed internet. That gave rise to occasional long night-time binges - often ‘edging’ for hours whilst vainly searching for the ‘perfect’ online woman (thus living the aphorism ‘you can’t get enough of what won’t satisfy you’). This use never directly impeded on daily life (apart from a couple of mornings sacrificed to sleep - but only on weekends etc).
I’d always found my process of what I’d have to do or deny in myself to be interesting as well as uncomfortable / illogical. I could stop for a few weeks or a month or two, but I’d always come back. Somewhere along the line, the ‘always come back to it’ nature told me that porn had it’s hooks in me quite deeply: I was hooked.
A lightbulb moment occurred one one particular break, when i saw a big poster advert in a department store window and had the thought ‘I could masturbate to a beautiful woman online later’ - and then realised that I wasn’t doing that at the moment, and: ‘I’m not doing that at the moment. So i won’t. Oh...’
The ‘Oh…’ was me realising that I’m not fully in control of this area of my life, and that this wasn’t okay with me - it’s not the kind of person i wanted to be. It also pushed me towards trying to understand (as opposed to deny or justify) all the negative impacts on my life that I was allowing but not fully acknowledging.
Using porn meant that I was taking feminine beauty / sexuality in a consumeristic / hollow way. I was disassociating from the parts of myself that wanted in person human connection and only engaging my eyes (and sometimes ears) and groin: it was a heartless experience. It also rendered my desire to be a ‘pro-feminist’ man to be hollow and hypocritical. I can espouse equality for women but if i also use them for sexual gratification then I’m living a double standard. Also, what about the times I maybe didn’t speak up on matters of gender politics because I knew that deep down I was on the take?
I journalled about this, trying to figure it all out. I shared about it in confidential groups / circles / spaces where i could find them. The last piece of the puzzle for me was a (confidential) closed-container group that was a more general (ie less porn focussed) version of the PACT groups I now run. There I was able to share some the challenges of stopping, witness other men struggling to stop themselves, and be seen and acceptable in that.
Now I’m clear on what I think Porn does to us, and I’m keen to support others as they journey to reduce their use or (ideally) stop using altogether.
Here’s my beliefs in a nutshell:
1/ (this i lightheartedly refer to as "Oliver's golden rule of utilisation"):
I believe that there is nothing intrinsically wrong with pornography (with the caveat that some types are harmful / exploitative etc), however, when we use it (for masturbation), it always messes us up.
2/ Porn can be very pleasurable, and easy to access, and free (apart from the time wasted obvs). However, it is also a flat, pixellated, fake, joyless, facsimile of the intimacy we seek, and using it requires that we dissociate from the parts of us that know it's not for us, and actually wants in-real-life human connection.
3/ Anyone can reduce/quit porn, but it may not be easy: depending on how deeply it has it's hooks in us.
Porn use is complicated, and the reasons for using and also the effect of doing so will vary greatly from person to person. For many it is a small vice, a scant reward in an otherwise difficult life that is (understandably) difficult to let go of. For some, it will be a full blown addiction that is causing physical as well as mental and spiritual harm.
There are some universal aspects to porn use, which is why it's information to have resources to understand what's going on when we use it, and also multiple tools and resources to use when reducing our use and stopping - when we are ready.
Once we are 'hooked' and have an ingrained habit (or addiction), it can be incredibly hard to leave porn behind; but it is always possible. No matter how entrenched the emotional triggers, lifestyle habits and thought patterns / neural pathways that lead to using porn, we can always do things differently - with effort.
I recommend viewing the whole process (from beginning to reduce / stop - onwards) as an opportunity for greater self-awareness and self-understanding.
Best,
Oliver
3rd June 2026
Oliver Relevant experience:
- Member of the Association of Coaching
- Coaching Certification via the Moe Foundation
- Level 2 Certificate in Counselling Skills
- Mental Health First Aider
- BSc in Philosophy and Psychology (Joint Honours)
- Ten Years experience Leading & Facilitating mens work
(Mankind Project / MKP, A Band of Brothers, Men's Nation)
- Box Therapist trained by Empire Fighting Chance
- Certificate of Achievement for Safeguarding in the Further Education (FE) and Training Sector.
Other Information
- Father to two delightful girls: Scarlett (4) and Ariella (2)
- Completed a 10 day Vipassana Meditation
- Experience Managing teams for Film and Events projects